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**JH Unplugged**

A worker was called on the carpet by his supervisor for talking back to his foreman. "Is it true that you called him a liar?

"Yes, I did."

"Did you call him stupid?"

"Yes."

"And did you call him an opinionated, egomaniac asshole?"

"No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?"
Anon

I know you are out there ... Lets have some fun ... post a funny and make the day better ... Cheers

**Wolf Pup**

I was in a car accident today...I hit a jeep that was camouflaged. The cop said "What happened". I said "I didnt see him!"

**JH Unplugged**

Wolf Pup Wrote:

I was in a car accident today...I hit a jeep that was camouflaged. The cop said "What happened". I said "I didnt see him!"

LOL ...

**JH Unplugged**

A feller from St. John's drove his car into a ditch out around da bay. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Cheers

**JH Unplugged**

A newlywed Newfie sailor is informed by the navy that he's going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.
"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and we're constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation's terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."

His wife sends him back an accordion with a note reading, "Why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and the Newfie sailor rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let's see how well you play that accordion."

End

**Motherduck** · **Motherduck** Kiwi Duck User ID: 49375 06-11-2012 03:52 AM **Posts: 8,973**

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

**Motherduck** · **Motherduck** Kiwi Duck User ID: 49375 06-11-2012 03:55 AM **Posts: 8,973**

A turkey is chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighs the turkey, "but I just haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replies the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecks at a lump of dung and finds that it actually gives him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reaches the second branch.
Finally after a week, there he is proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Unfortunately he is spotted by a farmer, who shoots him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

**JH Unplugged**

Motherduck Wrote:

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

awesome one ...

one more ...

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."

The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

"Pull down your pants," she says.

He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."

"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"

"You told me yesterday."

Anon

**LoP Guest** lop guest User ID: 99114 06-11-2012 03:58 AM

A woman comes home early one morning. Her husband asks "Where have you been?" She says she spent the night with a friend so he calls ten of her best girlfriends and all ten say they know nothing about it.

Later, the husband comes home early one morning and the wife asks "Where have YOU been?" He says he spent the night with a friend so she calls ten of his best friends. Eight of them said "Oh yeah he spent the night." The other two said "He is still here."

**JH Unplugged**

LoP Guest Wrote:

A woman comes home early one morning. Her husband asks "Where have you been?" She says she spent the night with a friend so he calls ten of her best girlfriends and all ten say they know nothing about it.

Later, the husband comes home early one morning and the wife asks "Where have YOU been?" He says he spent the night with a friend so she calls ten of his best friends. Eight of them said "Oh yeah he spent the night." The other two said "He is still here."

Names ... names and games ... Cheers

**Wolf Pup**

A fish was swimming and he hit a wall.....what did he say?

DAM!

chuckle

**brewha**

"Barabus!"

"Barabus!"

"Barabus!"

"What Jesus, what do you want?"

"I can see your house from up here!"

**JH Unplugged**

Wolf Pup Wrote:

A fish was swimming and he hit a wall.....what did he say?

DAM!

Fish and dams ... chuckle

Lets see ... will there is this one ... Dam Fish

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the f**king potatoes!"

Anon

**Powhatan**

2 shipwrecked sailors wash up on an island and see a bunch of native warriors. The chief walks over to them and tells them that strangers are not welcome and they must choose their punishment. He walks to the first one and asks "Which do you choose, death or bongo bongo?
The sailor says "I don't want to die, I'll choose bongo bongo.
The chief turns to his men and shouts "bongo bongo"
So dozens of warriors run to the sailor, strip him and take turns ass raping him, leaving him bloody, moaning and semi-conscious.
The chief then turns to the second sailor and asks him
"Death, or bongo bongo"
The sailor looks at his friend and says "As much as I want to live, I can't go through that, I choose death".
The chief nods, turns to his men and shouts
"Death... by bongo bongo!

**LoP Guest** lop guest User ID: 99114 06-11-2012 04:12 AM

Sara Jessica Parker walks into a bar.
Bartender says "Why the long face?"

Jesus and Moses were playing golf. Jesus pulled out his nine iron, set the ball on the tee and was getting ready to swing when Moses said “Are you crazy? You can’t hit that with a nine iron. Who do you think you are, Tiger Woods?” He is the only person in the world that can make a shot like that. Jesus ignored him and hit the ball right into the water.

Moses shook his head, walked over, parted the waters, reached in and retrieved the ball. He carried it back and handed it to Jesus who placed it back on the tee and proceeded to swing again. Moses said “I am not going to help you again if that ball goes back into the water.” Jesus swung and the ball went into the water, so he went to get the ball himself.

As he was reaching in to get his ball, another group of golfers arrived at the tee and saw that Jesus was standing on the water. They said “Who does that guy think he is? Jesus?” Moses said “No. He thinks he is Tiger Woods.”