Post: #61

Bad jokes allowed? I'm sure most have heard this. Worst joke I know.

All the animals get together for a singing contest. Rabbit, deer; rat: (why not?) Bear, pony...

Pony says to bear, "I can't sing tonight."

Bear asks: "Why not?"

Pony says: "Because I am a little hoarse!"

Post: #62

So this 'ole farmer has some land with a road bordering it and part of the road has a real sharp curve in it. One day as he's out plowing his fields he looks up just in time to see a bus load of politicians taking the curve way too fast. Sure enough they crash right in the middle of his freshly plowed field.

So about 3 days later the local sheriff comes around. "A few days ago a bus load of politicians on their way to a convention came up missing" he says. "I see what looks like their bus out there in your far field. You know anything about that?"

"Well sure" replied the farmer. "They came ripping around that corner and crashed right where you see their bus. So I buried 'em."

"You mean they all died?" said the sheriff with astonishment.

"Well" the farmer said, "some of 'em said they wasn't dead, but you know how them politicians like to lie..."

Post: #63

JH Unplugged  Wrote:

\
awesome one ...

one more ...

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."

The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

"Pull down your pants," she says.

He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."

"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"

"You told me yesterday."

Post: #64

ChadFisherComedy  Wrote:

My newest skit
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PY0RRPkUPAg

not funny

Post: #65

synchromystiman  Wrote:

So this 'ole farmer has some land with a road bordering it and part of the road has a real sharp curve in it. One day as he's out plowing his fields he looks up just in time to see a bus load of politicians taking the curve way too fast. Sure enough they crash right in the middle of his freshly plowed field.

So about 3 days later the local sheriff comes around. "A few days ago a bus load of politicians on their way to a convention came up missing" he says. "I see what looks like their bus out there in your far field. You know anything about that?"

"Well sure" replied the farmer. "They came ripping around that corner and crashed right where you see their bus. So I buried 'em."

"You mean they all died?" said the sheriff with astonishment.

"Well" the farmer said, "some of 'em said they wasn't dead, but you know how them politicians like to lie..."

That joke reminds me of my favorite spoof horror-comedy classic, Motel Hell!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRTyu1ndIcE

At least the farmer in your joke didn't make sausages out of the politicians, though some politicians deserve it.

Farmer Vincent mainly liked to use hippies, swingers/bondage fanatics, agricultural inspectors...

Post: #66

Bob was sick of city life so he moved into a secluded cabin and did not see another soul for a year.

One day there was a knock on the door. Bob opened the door to find a burly, bearded, lumberjack type smiling at him.

"Hi," said the burly man. "My name's Fred. I'm your neighbour from a few miles down the road. I've having a party at my place tonight and I thought I'd invite you."

"That sounds nice," Bob said. "I've been alone here for a while. It'll be nice to go out and socialize a bit."

"Great!" roared Fred. "The party starts at about 8 o'clock."

Fred started to turn to leave, but stopped.

"I should warn you though, there's going to be a lot of drinking at this party."

"No problem," Bob replied. "I'm no stranger to drinking...I'm sure I can keep up."

"Great!" roared Fred. "See you tonight."

Fred started to turn to leave, but stopped.

"I should also warn you though, these parties can get pretty rowdy. There's likely to be a fist-fight or two."

"Oh," said Bob. "Well, I understand. I've seen my share of barroom brawls. I'm sure I could hold my own."

"Great!" roared Fred. "See you tonight."

Fred started to turn to leave, but stopped.

"One last thing. There will probably be a lot of wild sex at this party too. I hope you don't mind wild sex."

"Hell no!" said Bob. "I've been on my own for a year, so I definitely wouldn't shy away from some wild sex."

"Great!" roared Fred. "See you tonight."

Fred started to turn to leave, but this time Bob stopped him.

"Hey Fred. What should I wear to this party?"

Fred said:

"Wear whatever the f*ck you want! It's just gonna be me and you."

Post: #67

What kind of animal has an asshole halfway up it's back?



Police Horse

;-)

Post: #68

This one courtesy of Cheech & Chong. A bit nasty...

Guy goes down to Mexico and stops in this lazy little town. He's walking down the street, realizes he doesn't know what time it is. Knows a little Spanish, so he goes up to this old guy, wearing a sombrero, sitting on the hot, dusty street corner, next to a donkey tied to a post. Asks the Mexican gentleman:

"Senor, can you tell me what time it is, por favor?"

The Mexican reaches his hand out to the donkey, lifts up the donkey's balls, big sweaty donkey balls, and says:

"It's about 3 o' clock."

The tourist, much astonished, exclaims:

"But senor, how can you tell what time it is by lifting up a donkey's balls?"

Mexican says:

"Well, I just reached over, lifted up the donkey's balls; and you see that clock over there?"

Post: #69

Bad Rat  Wrote:

This one courtesy of Cheech & Chong. A bit nasty...

Guy goes down to Mexico and stops in this lazy little town. He's walking down the street, realizes he doesn't know what time it is. Knows a little Spanish, so he goes up to this old guy, wearing a sombrero, sitting on the hot, dusty street corner, next to a donkey tied to a post. Asks the Mexican gentleman:

"Senor, can you tell me what time it is, por favor?"

The Mexican reaches his hand out to the donkey, lifts up the donkey's balls, big sweaty donkey balls, and says:

"It's about 3 o' clock."

The tourist, much astonished, exclaims:

"But senor, how can you tell what time it is by lifting up a donkey's balls?"

Mexican says:

"Well, I just reached over, lifted up the donkey's balls; and you see that clock over there?"

In the best Cheech accent no doubt.



Why don't blind people like to skydive?

Scares the shit out of their dogs.

Post: #70

synchromystiman  Wrote:

Bad Rat  Wrote:

This one courtesy of Cheech & Chong. A bit nasty...

Guy goes down to Mexico and stops in this lazy little town. He's walking down the street, realizes he doesn't know what time it is. Knows a little Spanish, so he goes up to this old guy, wearing a sombrero, sitting on the hot, dusty street corner, next to a donkey tied to a post. Asks the Mexican gentleman:

"Senor, can you tell me what time it is, por favor?"

The Mexican reaches his hand out to the donkey, lifts up the donkey's balls, big sweaty donkey balls, and says:

"It's about 3 o' clock."

The tourist, much astonished, exclaims:

"But senor, how can you tell what time it is by lifting up a donkey's balls?"

Mexican says:

"Well, I just reached over, lifted up the donkey's balls; and you see that clock over there?"

In the best Cheech accent no doubt.



Why don't blind people like to skydive?

Cheech & Chong joke is funny because it plays into the whole "Mexicans are lazy" stereotype, while at the same time having to do with donkey balls. The Mexican is so lazy he would rather lift up donkey balls than get up to look at the clock!

I would never have gotten yours, until I quoted your post and saw the answer.

All I could think of was, a blind person wouldn't know when to open the parachute!

Post: #71

Thanks folks ...

Raw humor ....

A newfie's wife passed away and he called 911. The 911 operator told him that they would send someone over right away and asked him where he lived.

"At the end of Eucalyptus Drive," the newfie told her. The operator asked, "Could you please spell that for me?"

After a long pause, the newfie said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

I am proudly a newfie ...

Take a joke and make a joke...

Post: #72

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1Ierl2AICo

Post: #73

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ic3xNfEP_o

Post: #74

A little prospector wearing clean new shoes walked into a saloon. A big Texan standing at the bar said to his friend, "Watch me make this dude dance."

He walked over to the prospector and said, "You're a foreigner, aren't you? From the East?"

"You might say that," said the prospector, "I'm from Newfoundland and Labrador, in Canada and I'm here prospecting for gold."

"Now tell me something," said the Texan, "Can you dance? Well I'm going to teach you," said the Texan.

And with that the Texan took out his gun and started shooting at the Newfie prospector’s feet.

Hopping, skipping, and jumping the little prospector made it to the door shaking like a leaf.

About an hour later the Texan left the saloon. As soon as he stepped outside the door he heard a click. He looked around and there, four feet from his head was the biggest shotgun he had ever seen.

The Newfie prospector said, "Mr. Texan, have you ever kissed a mule?"

"No," said the quick thinking Texan, "but I've always wanted to."

**********************


Two bowling teams, one of all Newfies and one of all Nova Scotians, chartered a double-Decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Moncton, New Brunswick.

The Newfie team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Nova Scotian team rode on the top level.

The Newfie team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the normally extreme partying Nova Scotians upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When she reached the top, she found all the Nova Scotians frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The Newfie asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!

One of the Nova Scotians looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered, 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER.'

*********************

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?", she asked.

"They're mating.", her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?", she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs.", her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?", the little girl asked.

"No.", her father replied, "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, that might be OK in Montreal but we're not having any of that crap here in St. John's!"

*************************
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Gambo, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to Flannigan and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

Flannigan said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

Flannigan said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right away."

************************
A gas station in Halifax was trying to increase it's sales. So the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex With Fill-Up."

Soon a Newfie pulls in, fills his tank, and then asks for his free sex.

The gas attendent tells him pick to a number from 1 to 10 if he guesses correctly, he will get his free sex.

The Newfie says, "8, b'y"

The gas attendent says, "You were close, sir, but the number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same Newfie, along with his buddy, pulls in for a fill up. Again he asks for his free sex and again the gas attendent gives him the same story and asks him to guess the correct number.

The Newfie says, "4, b'y"

The gas attendent says, "Sorry,it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the Newfie says to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

The buddy replies,"No, b'y, it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

Post: #75

A Newfie appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "I came upon a gang of macho Mainlanders who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest, meanest, nastiest one. I smacked him on the head, ripped out his ear ring, and threw it on thground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" The Newfie replies, "Just a couple of minutes ago..."