How Do I Forgive Myself?
“Let’s take a walk,” Ah Fa exclaims abruptly, grabbing my arm, he leads me towards the huge metallic door.
Looking back at his receptionist Ah Fa says, “Put a sign on the door, OUT TO LUNCH!”
Squirming a little, I protest, “Let me go Ah Fa! I can walk by myself,” pulling my arm away from his strong grasp.
Ah Fa releases my arm, looking at me with those intense brown eyes. “What is wrong with you Ah Keng? You are never like that. First you telephoned me crying last night and now you show up on my job doing the same thing…what is happening?”
Trying to calm myself, I know I have to explain for fear I am slowly losing my sanity and my nerves. “Ah Fa, I told you last night on the phone that I am having second thoughts.”
Ah Fa looks at me and begins to shake his head, “Are you kidding me? Ah Keng I mean really…you have to be joking right? The divorce will be final in 2 days!”
Looking at Ah Fa, I can tell I am slowly ripping his heart out, taking him places that I honestly do not mean to. “I know what this sounds like. I have gone over this in my mind a thousand times. I still love you Ah Fa.”
Ah Fa turns his back to me abruptly, "Do you have any idea what you are saying? You left me Ah Keng…one year ago, you packed up your bags without a word, and took with you my heart and soul."
I put my hand on his shoulders; I can feel him tense up. It hurts me to be causing more pain. With tears welled up in my eyes, I attempt to explain once more, “I was so wrong. Ah Fa I made the worst mistake of my life. I hate myself for what I did to you. I could never forgive myself and how do I expect you to forgive me. How do I ever forgive myself for doing what I did to you. If you honestly do not love me anymore and you cannot try to forgive me, I will not bother you again.”
Ah Fa slowly turns around, looking at me as tears run down his cheeks,
“Do you have any idea how long I prayed for you to come back? I have never stopped loving you. Not even for 1 day. Not for 1 moment. Not 1 minute. But you have to know I am scared of letting you come back home.”
I know everything he is saying is undoubtedly true, how I can expect him to believe me when I have hurt him so badly. What kind of person walks out of a marriage without a word? His long hours of work and away from home, my loneliness, our lack of communication, so much that I made that fatal mistake. I have committed a grave sin, and there are no excuses for this lonely, destitute woman. How do I forgive myself? Searching for the grass that seemed greener on the other side was absurd. I am beginning to think I should not have come. The dreams of Ah Fa have woken me so many times during the night, telling me to go to him, but I was scared. Could I have misunderstood the signs? Was it just my own wants? Am I just trying to do this to forgive myself, or am I really seeking Ah Fa back?
“I’m sorry Ah Fa, you are right. I have no right to be here. I’ve let you down…I’ve let myself down. I can’t even forgive myself and how do I expect you to forgive me. How do I forgive myself? Living without you is my fate, I know I do not deserve you. I’m sorry…”
Slowly turning from Ah Fa, I begin to walk away, knowing I will never see him again. It is FINALLY over. I am the one who destroyed our marriage, now I must learn to live without him. My prayers have fallen on hard ground, there is no more hope. Even God won’t give me a second chance. How do I forgive myself?
Suddenly I hear my name. “Ah Keng…please wait AH KENG…”
Turning around I see Ah Fa standing with his arms open wide. I begin running as fast as I can, falling into his embrace, a familiar and comforting shelter, that I had missed for far too long. “I love you Ah Keng…you know it is going to take some time to build the trust again.” Ah Fa says holding me tightly…
Looking up into his face, I vow, “I will spend a life time building your trust in me once again.”
Looking up to heaven, I offer a silent prayer. Thank you God for forgiving me and thank you for softening Ah Fa’s heart towards me. I will live my life remembering this with gratitude. Thank you God for helping me to answer the question – how do I forgive myself.