Jesus Christ, man. I just totally bombed a job I'm sure people would froth at the mouth for. I seriously f*cking suck.
Basically, I used to be a bartender. I bartended at a bowling alley for awhile and it was great. I totally enjoyed it - the customer interaction, the chance to be MOVING AROUND all day. Well, I wasn't making shit for money (because, you know, it was summer and a bowling alley) and before I could make moves to even consider finding another job, they closed the place down.
Damn, I thought. Well, I found another bartending job, and they had me barback a couple days for a week before I got my first bartender shift. Even though I thought I did awesome that shift (9-5 PM and I still walked away with over $100, and that was with waiting tables AND bartending - basically the only guy in there besides a kitchen staff), the boss guy didn't feel "confident" with me bartending, for whatever reason. Could not even provide one (not that he even needs to, he is the boss afterall).
So, while still "working" there two days a week and making $40 in my pocket, I found ANOTHER bartending job (imagine my luck) working at a decent restaurant. Quit that other job, and focused on working here exclusively. Problem is, I was promised 4 night shifts (including the weekend), and by my second week there, I was only getting day shifts. On the weekdays, and not making enough to put food on my table.
I kept losing my shifts to another new hire who had big tits and platinum blonde hair. I get it, that's the business and I understand hot chicks will always be more appealing than a guy, but it really....shit, it really sucked.
So, after putting up with this for about a month and a half, I had it out with my supervisor who was putting me on the chopping block for "not having fruit cut" when I busted my ass all day to help the OTHER bartenders because they were getting swarmed (of course they made a fortune that day - no one kicked anything back to me. Which was fine, I just wanted to help. But I'd be damned if I wasn't pissed off about it).
About a week later, I got the boot. Mind you, When I did have people at my bar, it was amazing. Something to do, people to talk to, and the few times I did make a giant wad of cash, it was always the best day ever.
But, I began to notice the problems coming back. My ADHD has been on overdrive since I was a toddler and it gets progressively worse the older I get. I cannot multitask. I break my back and try to overcome it, but the moment things get hectic I can't handle it. I look sloppy and sluggish and it just hampers my work performance considerably.
I've tried to take "meds" and I either turn so mute and outwardly focused I can't function at all, or it just doesn't help my symptoms at all.
Anyways, I was without a job for 2 months, and decided to go back to the "corporate" world. Landed an awesome gig with a company making a cool $20 an hour. It's cubicle, 9-5, sit at a computer all day and solve complex networking and application issues over the phone.
Thing is, I did a job like this once before, over a year and a half ago, and I hated it so, so much. It made me want to kill myself, honestly. Sitting there, all day, dealing with nothingness, It paid great, but I hated it. I unwittingly set myself up to be laid off - I checked out my last month there. I didn't intend to, I just got so burnt out I basically gave up.
So I tell myself "I won't f*ck up this job, this is my chance!" I was going to work here for at least 8 months, get a new (used) car, pay off some debt, and move to the coast with a fat savings account. Take on a new adventure.
I had this job since last Monday. I just got canned today. You want to know why?
Haha, I hope you're ready for this epic fuckup.
I dozed off at work. Seriously. I went into this job, promising myself I'd do my best, and I meant it. Basically, we sit in a small training class for a week, learning all these applications from a teacher. I could not focus. AT ALL.
My attention meter was on "HELLISHLY CRAZY" and I could not focus. It was a fight to not just doze off. And then I did Wednesday, and came up with some extremely crafty lie to avoid getting fired.
That's how pathetic I got. Problem is, I could not/can not sleep. The way I am, if I don't get 7-8 hours of sleep minimum, I feel like a sluggish zombie all day. When I'm at a job where I'm moving all day, this is not an issue at all. I never start to feel the effects because I'm constantly MOVING and ENGAGING.
And, being that I've become a night owl, I could not, no matter what, force myself to fall asleep at a decent hour before work in the morning. I was running on three hours of sleep a day the entire time I worked at this place. And even though I was retaining this information without issue (mind you, I'm working with college graduates and am the youngest person in the building by an average of at least ten years), I could not focus, and could not keep myself visually AWARE.
So today, while sitting with my "mentor" (after the first week of training, you have to sit next to someone for an entire week while they "show you the ropes" of the call center), it kept happening again.
After the first f*ck-up last week, I swore to myself it wouldn't happen again. I tried, I swear on my life I did. I could not sleep, though. I'd come home exhausted, and could not sleep at a decent hour.
So today, while shadowing my mentor, I looked "displaced." I did not fall asleep, doze off or anything, but I was bored. Completely, bored. A supervisor walked by and noticed and I was immediately terminated.
I mean, f*ck. I've been on time, clocked in early, on time with lunches, put myself up to doing this job I'm NOT good at (for the sheer boredom of it), and still go canned. I'm actually kind of pissed, because I force myself to focus (to the best of my abilities) and "stay up" but still, canned.
So now, I'm sitting here, wondering what the f*ck is the next step. The worst part is, all these things I've mentioned, they're MY FAULT.
I f*cked MYSELF OVER, and I completely did not intend to. I loved bartending, but the workplace gossip made me tart to hate it, and my failures at mass-multitasking simply made me look like an idiot.
Corporate jobs, I just can't...FOCUS. I'm sitting there, spinning in my chair like an idiot, just to keep myself entertained. I already knew I wasn't going to be a good fit for this place, and just wanted to work there for the 8 months, take the money, and run.
I love talking to people. I love being spontaneous. I love computers, and I love applying critical thought and problem-solving. But when it comes to the work world, I fall apart. And I sit here, and beat myself up over it, knowing it's MY fault, and just not being sure why the f*ck I can't just STOP.
I don't want to say it's the ADHD. That's an excuse, and it's a cop-out, period. Moreso, I wish big-evil-Pharma had something I could take for it to make me feel more "normal" and isn't probably bad for my brain long-term.
The thing is, I really like me. I like who I am, and the ADHD played a huge part in it. I'm spontaneous, ridiculous, fun, and outlandish. It's what's made me, ME. It just royally blows that I keep f*cking up my job propositions as a result.
Now, I don't know what to do. I'd like to go back to bartending, but my weaknesses will probably just FLOW through again, and I'll look like an idiot and get fired.
I have another corporate job lined up possibly, but based on what happened with this recent one, how can I expect anything to be different? I'll probably just embarrass myself again.
Truth is, I didn't like being in a call center environment, and I knew it. I just wanted to believe I could milk it for as long as I could, use the money for what I needed it for (buy a new used car, pay off debt, and move to the coast), and I managed to screw that up.
I'm great with people. I interview incredibly well. Any interactions I ever have with customers are always amazing and make me look great. Everything else? I'm awful at. Maybe I just lack discipline. Even though I have my own place, and have to provide for it or I'll live on the street, I can't seem to just tell my brain to SHUT THE f*ck UP and do my job well enough so I don't look like a bafoon or get fired.
So, now that I'm back in the job market, I have no idea what kind of job I can do, now. Bartending? Tried it, failed. Office-Space Corporate job? Tried it, hated it, and totally embarrassed myself at it.
I'm a f*cking FAILURE, and it's MY fault.
I can't start a business without having a cushion of some sort. I can't be a salesman (even though I'd KILL at it) because I hate the idea that I'll only be able to live off of what I can sell, which is frighteningly scare). I can't pursue things that really interest me, like music or writing, because after five minutes at it it becomes "too long a chore" and I lose the focus or drive to finish.
I can't seem to do anything right, and there is no "magic pill" I can take that can make me be more responsible and able to focus like everyone else.
I don't know what to do now, really. I was on unemployment since last year (when I got laid off from the last corporate job), and have been ever since since I haven't been able to scrounge together even 1200 a month (the unemployment rate cap I have).
That's, embarrasing. I'm a f*cking parasite, using another means of income to mask my own failures. I'm going to get off unemployment, despite this last job setback.
I don't deserve it. If I end up in the street, so be it. Maybe then I can learn how to not f*cking fail at providing for myself, or end up dead in a gutter on a massive cocaine binge.
Go ahead, tell me how irresponsible I am. How lazy I am, and how I lack discipline- how I'm a blight and a great example of the failure of my generation.
Seriously. I really deserve it. I don't deserve any pity or compassion, I deserve to be belittled.
I just wish...f*ck, I just wish I could do something and be GOOD at it. Maybe even ENJOY it. I get that that's not "responsible" or how the world really works, but still.
I'll tell you this much, when I got home today, pissed off at myself and tired beyond belief, I slept.
Slept for 8 hours, and it felt...AMAZING. The most sleep I've gotten in two weeks. I wish I could feel like that every single day I got up in the morning.
Fail, fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail